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The
Difference Let's say a bloke named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is s i l e n c e in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: gosh, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of? And Roger is thinking: Gosh, Six months? And Elaine is thinking: but, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... let me check the speedo... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here! And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: and I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not changing gear right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 30 degrees C out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600! And Elaine is thinking: he's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. Gosh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure... And Roger is thinking: they'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're going to say, the scumbags! And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy... And Roger is thinking: warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up...
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work:
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
Then he takes her home - and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of crisps, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
Reasons
men can Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. They can open all their own jars and kill their own bugs. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob them blind. They can go to the bathroom without a support group. They don't have to learn to spell a new surname. They can leave the motel bed unmade. They can kill their own food. The get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite them to something, he or she can still be Their underwear is $10 for a pack of three. If they are 34 and single, nobody notices. They can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. They don't have to clean their house if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell them the truth. They can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking "he must be mad at me". Grey hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2000, tuxedo rental - $75. They don't mooch off each other's desserts. They can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the part in the same outfit, they just might Their pals can be trusted never to trap them with "so, notice
anything They are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. They almost never have strap problems in public. They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. They don't have to shave their bodies below the neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Their belly usually hides their big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons. They can 'do' their nails with a pocket knife. They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes!
A helicopter was flying around Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electrical communication and navigation equipment. In IMC with low cloud and poor forward visibility the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. Then, he saw a building, flew towards it and after circling just once hovered and drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the cockpit window. The sign said simply, "Where am I" in large letters. People watching the aircraft from inside the building scurried about, were seen to be discussing amongst themselves and then responded by drawing a large sign and displayed it at the window. The sign said, " You are in a helicopter". At this the pilot smiled, glanced at his map, determined his course to fly and shortly thereafter arrived safely at Seattle -Tacoma airport. Whilst completing their shut-down checks the co-pilot asked the captain how the sign: "You are in a helicopter" had helped him determine their position. The captain smiled before responding by saying, the information on the sign had been technically correct but of no real use, it was therefore easy to deduce that the individuals worked for Microsoft on their Help-line and so, having got a pinpoint fix, everything else was easy.
CRM: A Taste of the Future
We have all made a considerable investment in time and effort to bring the CRM program to it's current successful state and it is important that this impetus is maintained for the agreed benefits of flight safety and improved crew co-operation on the flight deck. We therefore present to you the very latest addition to the CRM "Tool box" which Airline management have agreed should be implemented amongst Flight Crew as soon as possible. In order to ensure that you reach a full understanding of how this new "Tool" works it is necessary that we appraise you of the considerable research which has taken place prior to it's production, Messrs Lieber, Fowshey, Helmrig et al of University of Texas fame, were sponsored yet again by NASA, to undertake further research. This time to investigate how airlines might ensure that the principles widely adopted by participants of company CRM courses were actually practised on the flight deck in every day line operation. This posed some significant problems in that it was quickly discovered that the process of observation of human behaviour, actually affects the human behaviour being observed. This phenomenon is analogous to the situation in nuclear physics that is described by the Heisenberg Principle which explains that by simply viewing sub atomic particles with light, X rays or electrons, the process of observation actually affects the way they behave. (You can establish their speed or mass but not both). Therefore the observations are of limited value. Similarly someone actually sitting on the flight deck and observing the behaviour of an operating crew affects that crews behaviour and makes the observation unrepresentative of what happens in real line operation. Thus it was established that the human factors route check will always be of limited value. The researchers saw that it was necessary to have some more omnipresent mechanism that might police flight crew behaviour. The answer was eventually found in the unlikely marriage of biochemistry and computer science. To help your understanding of the development of this system it is worth continuing with the research story. The race was now on to find the link between behaviour and human biochemistry. After years of extensive studies of rats, mice, flight crew and finally humans, the underlying biochemical mechanisms of human behaviour were finally unraveled. The prime mediating neurotransmitter was found to be a complex polypeptide which when finally isolated in the laboratory was named Human Behavioural Gonadotrophin (HBG). It was found that HBG was released by the pituitary gland at the base of the brain in response to exposure to other crew members behaviour. The level of HBG in the blood stream varied by a factor of up to 100 depending on the quality of the transaction being experienced. High levels of HBG produce other responses in the body through the parasympathetic / sympathetic nervous system and the endocrine (hormonal) system. Once this connection was made it explained some of the reactions observed in situations of conflict. In parental transactions in the study group the level of HBG increased dramatically and generated the "fight or flight" response in over 80% of cases. In some isolated cases there were even significant releases of adrenaline, and quickening of pulse/breathing rates. In one isolated case, extraordinary high levels of HBG were measured in a Captain's bloodstream after the First Officer had consumed the whole of the contents of the cheese board without any prior consultation. This resulted in damage to the detecting mechanism in the high pressure liquid chromatograph used in the HBG assay and required recalibration of the whole system. So the researchers realised that the solution to the airlines problem was probably to be found in controlling crew members levels of HBG and it was found that direct stimulation of the pituitary gland could easily control this. The end was now in sight. The University of Texas computing department produced the necessary hardware for an implant. The implant, driven by a life time Lithium battery, could be surgically placed under the pituitary gland and when suitably programmed with the NASA team skill marker system, transactional analysis profiles, DODAR decision making model, individual crew member Cockpit 2000 output etc, could be guaranteed to keep pilots on the rails in a crisis. With the advert of the ACARS ground/to data link it would even be possible to allow flight crew training departments direct access to individuals in flight, for behavioural mid-course corrections. Thus the Gonadotrophin Stimulating Bio Interface (GSBI) was born. The beauty of this device is that the behavioural response is pin programmable to suit customer cultural preferences. So in countries or fleet cultures where the "one man and his dog" type of flight deck is preferred, this is entirely within the interface's capability. More surgery would obviously be required at command conversion to flip the dip switches over from P2 to PI, but this con be done under local anaesthetic as a day patient. So in order for you to assess the devices efficacy, volunteers are to submit themselves to this minor surgery and have the pre-production mod state fitted. Comments from existing satisfied customers: "After my GSBI was fitted, I felt much more affable and accommodating, I actually enjoy talking to dispatchers now." - Captain Bill Anchor. "No more Mr Angry for me anymore., 1' m now called SFO Peaches and Cream! 22 years in the P2 seat and loving it!" - SFO Charles Innick. "I think the EuroGatwick pay deal is very fair, I can't see what everyone is moaning about.' - Captain Anna Nothering. So in summary, get that Irksome little temper under control, you know it'll make safe sense. Apply to your Training Manager now to join the trial.
European
Union Directive The European Union Commissioners have recently announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German which was also vigorously supported. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year the letter "S" will be used instead of the soft letter "C". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "C" will be replaced with the letter "K". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "PH" will be replaced with the single letter "F". This will make words like "fotograf' 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. In adition, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "E's" in the languag is disgrasful and they wil go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptive to steps such as replasing "TH" with "Z", and "W" wiz "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary leter "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "OU" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! (Thanks to BALPA’s The Log)
Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, though you may find it hard to believe. Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying. Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea. He went down to the local army-navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and forty-five weather balloons. These were not your brightly coloured party balloons, these were heave-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your own back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those balloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float back down to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying! So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss as to how to get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. A pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet with a gun in his lap. (Now there's a conversation I'd have given anything to have heard!) LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him. But the rescue team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his home made contraption farther and farther away. Eventually they were able to hover over him and drop a rescue line with which they gradually hauled him back to earth. As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television reported called out, "Mr.Walters, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
Time
Check Overheard at Heathrow... "London Control request a time check." "Aircraft calling London Control - please identify yourself!" "Listen here London Control, this is United 423, ahl we want is a time check, why do you need our identification?" "United 423, the reason we need your identification is that
A veteran 747 captain recently retired and got checked out in a Cessna 172 for "puddle jumping." After filing a short IFR flight plan over the phone one day, he definitely got the attention of the Flight Service Station specialist when he added, "...and I'd like to declare an emergency at this time." Intrigued, the FSS man dutifully recorded in the "Remarks" section of the flight plan exactly what the old captain had to say: "I'm down to one radio, one VOR receiver, no deice equipment, one flight crew member, and one engine."
How
many people does it take How many Charismatics does it take
to change a light bulb? How many Calvinists does it take to
change a light bulb? Change??? How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They use candles. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing. How many Presbyterians does it take to change to change a light bulb? At least 15. One to make the coffee and 14 to form a committee and sub-committee to decide if the light bulb really needs to be changed, who is going to change it, and what kind of new light bulb to put in. How many members of an established
Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a
light bulb? How many United Methodists does it
take to change a light bulb?
Aren't kids great !The boss of a big company
needed to call one of his employees about an Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked: "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again, the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss
asked, Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
A small boy in an African village near Nairobi asked his parents for a pet. When asked what pet he wanted he said: "a cat!’ The father said: "we will see" - and promptly forgot about it. The boy persisted, and one day when asking his mother again she replied: "we will pray about it". They did… and just as they finished praying, a rather shocked frightened cat seemed to hurtling out of the sky and landed in a rice dish that was being prepared in the garden! They cleaned up the cat, cared for it, and it stayed with them as the boys pet. It's rather interesting to learn the background to this story. How one small prayer for a pet meant so much involvement for so many other people. It had been decided to hold a Christian crusade near Nairobi. A team from the UK met with local pastors in an African village nearby to pray and discuss the arrangements. As people arrived the local Pastors wife gave them food and drink in the garden. Whilst they were there, they heard a cat meow ~ and discovered the animal at the top of a tree - unable to get down. They decided to throw a rope as high as they could up into the tree, attach it to a jeep and gently pull the tree over until its top branches were near to the ground - thus enabling the cat to jump to safety. After pulling the tree over, they parked the jeep and went to retrieve the cat. Unfortunately, just as they were about to grab hold of the cat, the rope broke… and the tree catapulted the cat into outer space! Although they spent some time looking for the cat, they couldn’t find it. It was not until a few days later when the local Pastors wife met with one of the folk nearby - that they learnt of the wonderful way God had answered the boy’s prayer. What happened to the cat? It stayed with the boy and we trust had a less adventurous life. The ways of God are mysterious ~ and He also has a great sense of humour! Credit: AAACF Crossway.
Instructions
for
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak worn feeling cold, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you cannot have your kayak and heat it too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the. bar and announces.. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other: "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron.' "Are you sure?" 'Yeah, I'm positive." Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said' "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A man entered a local paper's pun contest, sending in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one would win, Unfortunate no pun in 10 did. As one pig said to the other as they were carted into the sausage factory, "I'm afraid this is going to bring out the wurst in us."
Airline PA's to Remember
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "only a little while." The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15 - 20 years." "But what then?" Asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said, "that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!" "Millions ... then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos....
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that you've built up during the holidays.
Rules For This Diet:
Remember: STRESSED spelled
backwards
Sayings
of life Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor. Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually loose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". Houses had thatched roofs… thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying: "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found that if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold". Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust". Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake". England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
26 Beautiful One-liners
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