Divinely Placed in Partnership

By Gary and Helen Kosak
(Gary is a pilot with Tower Air)

Fellowship of Christian Airline Personnel
Convention - Leesburg, Florida
11-15 May 1998

We hope to communicate well to you, so that there is no misunderstanding regarding what the Lord would say to us here.

Statistics - what is happening today?

Statistics - what has happened recently?

Almost every trip that I fly, I watch the passengers board and deplane. On almost every flight, we have the familiar "UM" or group of "UM’s" airline talk for "kids" usually broken-hearted kids… the Unaccompanied Minor - and the vast majority of them are not flying off to see Aunt Mary or Grandma!

These UM's are making their court-ordered appearance before a distant father or mother with whom they have had little contact. They are frightened to the core, often holding back buckets of tears as they say goodbye to their mom or dad, a step-mom or step-dad and contemplate what awaits them at the end of the flight. They are torn asunder from the core. Mom at one end of the nation, dad at the other. As the parents are split…so too are the children… torn right in half along with the divorce.

 MARRIAGE is the cornerstone
the FOUNDATION STONE for...

FAMILY

CHURCH

CORPORATION

COMMUNITY

NATION

Trying to build a family or community without healthy marriages is like trying to build a building with broken parts and bent girders… or assemble a car with broken parts. It just won’t work!

Just a few days ago we opened a wedding invitation from some friends of ours. We had known them in their service to the U.S. Army while we were living in Germany. At that time the girl was high school young, in love with the Lord and growing in Him. On the mission field the girl fell in love with a young man, also on the mission field, and from a very godly family - some of whom had spent years on the mission field in the Middle East. It is coincidental that although we do not know that young man, we do know some of his family. Both are young people… both serving the Lord.

When I called the young girl’s father, I did it with some trepidation. The invitation had just arrived in my mailbox and the wedding was only a couple of weeks away. The father answered the phone. I spoke with him. His question…"Are you sitting down?" Then he dropped the bomb that I was already expecting. For whatever reason, this young couple had fallen into sin and are starting their marriage at a great disadvantage - she walking the aisle of her wedding with a baby growing in her womb.

I know that tragedy personally.

What’s going on?

Why these statistics?

Why are Christian kids who have been on the mission field falling into sin just like the world?

I’ll give some possible answers later in this article...

Some thoughts about Marriage

God’s idea is that marriage is a reflection of Christ and His bride. Marriage is a microcosm of that relationship.

Marriage is a serious covenant. It is a covenant of blood. When Jesus died on the cross to redeem His bride, He gave His holy and precious blood as the payment for us. It was this that established the New Covenant that allowed us as Gentiles to be grafted into the natural stock of the olive tree….Israel…who are our root... see Ephesians 5:25.

Though I speak of the physical now, marriage also reflects the blood covenant... man through circumcision; and woman during her first intercourse with her husband. What are the implications intended by God?

Note
Circumcision is expressed above as an insight into God's design for sex as a sanctified (set apart) celebration of love and for procreation ~ within the marriage covenant. However circumcision is NOT a mark of salvation in Christ, as can be seen in Galatians 5 [ed].

God is a God of one-ness. "Hear O Israel, the Lord God is one." He designed us to be one with Him…to have one wife… one husband… one marriage… one family all functioning under one God.

Temptation... our sin and sin nature rails against this godly design with the spiritual prodding of God’s adversary, the devil. Satan has many paths and he lies to us to take us where we may forsake God’s truth and plan for our lives.

Redemption... just as God has faithfully and continuously worked with Israel to redeem them, He uses the marriage covenant to do the same with each of us. He took Israel out of Egypt…and He is continually working to get Egypt out of them (in other words our human or worldly appetites). God has an everlasting covenant with Israel:

...(speaking of Israel) "I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord." (Hos 2:19)

"Israel will be saved by the Lord with an everlasting salvation. You shall never be put to shame or disgraced to ages everlasting." (Isa 45:17).

Refining... our marriages are designed to refine each of us! God uses us in marriage as the "spiritual sandpaper" to smooth off the rough edges from each other. If sandpaper doesn’t work, he’ll make us into chipping hammers and sandblasters to do the cutting and the fitting so that as living stones being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood (1 Peter 2:5) - we will fit just right into His place for us for eternity.

Why are marriages falling apart?

Let’s go back and try to answer the question of why things are like this in marriage. Why did our young missionary friends fall into sin?

Although the why’s can be answered from a number of viewpoints, today we will see it as simple unadulterated NEGLECT.

Let’s go to the Garden of Eden

We are familiar with the story.
Eve being tempted with the serpent’s questions...

"For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, (appeal from the outside "flesh" and in) and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realised they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves (Eyes opened….heart closed - Gen 3:5).

Notice that Adam was with her... it was Adam’s neglect that allowed Eve to eat of the fruit! Adam knew God’s command... he knew God's word. Adam neglected his duty as a husband to tell the devil to "rack off" and to stop his wife from committing this sin. He then openly disobeyed joining her in the sin.

After this God then spoke to Eve, telling her that her desire will be for her husband and that he will rule over her. God then catches up with Adam:

Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you. (Gen 3:17):

Adam neglected the word of God... he entered into idolatry when he listened to his wife instead of listening to God. He put her before God and thus committed idolatry and spiritual neglect.

Caveat

I do not speak these words as one who does not need their correction. I am all too aware of how short I fall in many areas of life, where I can neglect something... from people to property. I also owe much of the revelation and understanding to a pastor that preached and taught the many points that follow (I regret that I cannot remember his name).

Neglect

The number One form of abuse is neglect.

For example when we neglect our prayer time, wife, husband, children, church, or the Word of God. Whenever we resort to living where we are experience-oriented rather than character-oriented ~ we are on the road of NEGLECT which leads toward abuse and destruction.

Isn't this the meaning of the metaphorical tree in this story: "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil' that will "kill us" - ed).

Some typical forms of neglect

Abuse a plant
leave it where it cannot get light. You water it only haphazardly, whenever your mood hits you. You never prune it or give it plant food. It soon becomes scraggly, producing no greenery or flowers. It is a living example of what we can do to each other.

Abuse a child
neglect him/her. Put him/her/them in front of a TV with a bag of candy to get them out of your hair!

Don’t teach them to rely on the Lord but live life in your own self confidence and then drag him/her to Sunday school once in a while to get some religion! 

Or worst yet… quote the bible daily and admonish him/her with judgmental bible verses - while you live a life of anger and bitterness. Soon he/she will be further from the Lord than someone who never even heard of God’s Word!

Buy him toys and stuff but don’t spend time with them.

When you see that he/she is hurting or pensive - you ask him what’s wrong. When he says "I’m scared of that bully at school" you tell him: "Don’t be afraid - you just go to school and you smack him right back if he starts bothering you. Be a man!"

 

Neglect is often disguised as devotion to a higher calling

But this may be a subtle form of ego gratification. It can be rebellion in a socially acceptable style. If this is going on in your life - you need more of the character of God inside of you. For example...

Neglect is usually not recognized by the offender

The self-deception and rationalisation is so great that the person is convinced that he or she is serving God or community - and that this calling is a "higher one" than the simple devotion to God and family. When we are in this sin we are often indignant if we are challenged by someone in the family, i.e.: a husband or wife. We can easily rationalise that it is much more important to go help someone else or plan the next event on the church calendar than to stay home and cook a good dinner for your family. It is more important to carry a placard against abortion than to spend time teaching a son to throw a baseball.

I am challenging myself as I speak these words. My memories are full of failures where I did not walk in obedience to God out of ignorance or just plain rebellion.

 

Neglect will always lead to conflict

It will ultimately be the cause of family breakdown. If a man is not spending time nurturing his family the complaints will mount. Children will begin to find other things to do. They’ll stay out of the way or become interested in other things… almost always of "the world". Tensions will mount and there will be ensuing conflicts between everyone. In the confusion it will be difficult to see the real answer - because in actual fact we are all neglecters in some way!

This breakdown can occur in our home, in our church, and in the community. Then instead of praying for one another and trusting God for His solutions - we fight, spit, scratch, and claw over who’s right and who’s wrong.

Most men and women defend negligence

They do this by pointing out faults in their accuser. The character of Christ is not to hide sin but to repent of it. Neglect is a major sin in all of this.

All negligence is rebellion in disguise

It often takes its form in lack of appropriately applied energy... opportunity knocks but it takes effort to change and rediscover truth. consider -

The house needs painting, but the man just never gets around to it. the plumbing needs fixing - later….later - and it never gets done!

The house is a mess... dirty dishes, beds unmade, magazines and stuff all over the place. Later… later… I’ll get to it later… and later never comes!

I need to spend some time with my wife and kids. But… later. Today I’m going to play some golf. Tomorrow I’ll do it.... but tomorrow never comes!

I really need to bless my husband and be there for him when he comes home from work, but God’s work is more important... I need to lead the ladies prayer group!

We really need to pray as a family, but I’ll miss the football game or that film "Touched By An Angel".

 

You never have to teach kids to sin!

You just have to NEGLECT teaching them righteousness.

We… not the church… not Sesame Street…. not the schools… we as parents and grandparents must teach our kids the Word of God and His ways. Not religion... but daily reliance on the Lord as we go about our work and business... to walk in His righteousness. This takes EFFORT and investment of quality time.

Again… not religion… not head knowledge… but vibrant reliance on the Word of God and the Spirit of God on a daily basis.

 

Repentance is the pivotal point between Ruin and Restoration

When there is no repentance and the condition of neglect continues - ruin is sure to come... because where there is no repentance - sin smoulders!

Sometimes it isn’t easy to see our own faults or where we are failing. But where these faults are continually coming to the surface, we need to take stock of them and bring the issue before the Lord - either privately or with a close friend. This is especially the case if there is poor communication or a real dispute is going on between divinely placed marriage partners.

Sometimes it is very difficult to see where the problem is. The accusation of neglect can be a selfish demand by one partner, and in this case not to meet the demand is not neglect. My wife and I have disputed matters like this on occasions. She sees something one way and I see it another. However it still needs to be resolved in a Godly way.

 

Satan has no leverage where there is no sin.

The opposite is also true. Where there IS sin, satan does have leverage.

When there is neglect, there is sin. It is obviously the sin of omission…of not doing something that should be done - and doing something else that is of less importance. We may accomplish something…but we may still have sinned by omission by not doing that which is of higher priority.

We cannot compensate in sacrifice what we lose in disobedience

For example, being too lazy to get involved with the family or kids - so we give the kids money to assuage our guilt!

We are called to take on a task for the Lord. We rationalise our way around it. Perhaps it is to stay home and just nurture your wife and family. Just eat popcorn and watch a good movie or play Monopoly. We don’t do it. We buy something for the wife or the kids instead.

God calls us to take on a ministry at the local church. We are too busy making money, and so we give more money to pay off God (sacrifice). This doesn’t impress the Lord!

Remorse and regret are NOT repentance

Repentance involves turning from sin and towards God... not using something else to take the place of sin such as: quitting smoking or starting to over-eat.

Refuse to continue to doing the same sinful thing. Quit the pornography. Quit undermining your husband with your critical words. Quit spending money like there’s no tomorrow. Get any help that is needed to enable you to repent. Be proactive towards God... pray!

Judas had remorse and regret - but he didn’t have real repentance. Instead of throwing himself at the feet of Jesus (as did Peter - both had betrayed Him) Judas threw himself into the hands of Satan by betraying Jesus and then committing suicide.

If we sin we are not to throw ourselves to the evil one in despair! We must not believe the lie that "I’ve blown it so badly that God cannot forgive me, and I might as well throw myself into the cesspool of sin."

 

Without sorrow for sin - there is no real repentance!

If you don’t have it - pray for it!

Without repentance there is no reconciliation.

Without reconciliation there is no fellowship with God or with one another (1 John 1:5-9).

Old saints used to pray for the sorrow and repentance of tears. The ability to really feel the hurt that you have caused God and others.

Conviction of sin is not evidence of God’s displeasure but of His love

God is the one who chastens - and He does chasten His children (Hebrews 12:10).

If you are walking in known sin and you are not bothered by it - you are in a lot of trouble! More than someone who may be struggling and falling into sin - but who is aware of his/her need and deep down inside doesn’t want it to go on! They are convicted. This can lead to true repentance because "God’s goodness leads us to repentance."

God is calling all of us to holiness... run to Him when you are convicted of sin, and repent.

His Word tells us that if someone comes to us repenting multitudes of times in a day we are to forgive. In that light we may be sure that God will forgive us... especially when we have a pattern of bad operation in certain areas and we are trying to get free of such a pattern.

 

 Peace and Passivity are not synonymous

Sometimes you have to fight for peace... wars are fought to achieve peace! However any "war" that we fight in the family should be done with the dignity and love of Christ. But, the war for good and Godly order must be fought. 

We cannot let life and big personalities roll over us and not make an effort to stand up against whatever may not be of God.

My own tendency is to be passive when it comes to confronting… especially with my wife - I would rather have peace than an explosion, to give in rather than confront. However this is not good in so far as it compromises the ways of God.

It is important to take a stand when necessary. For example: wife to husband: "we can’t afford another shotgun for your collection." You shouldn’t be spending money on something like this." Or "We haven’t been in church for months now….we need to begin to fellowship in the body of Christ again."

"Husband to wife: "we cannot afford to keep spending like this. You need a proper allowance…and we need to stay within the confines of that allowance."

 

The opposite of the spirit of NEGLECT
is the spirit of the WATCHMAN ON THE WALL

Husband as Redeemer

"For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your REDEEMER; He is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you, says the Lord your REDEEMER." (Isaiah 54:5-8).

As husbands we are to redeem our wives. Not like Jesus... we cannot provide salvation… but we can provide compassion, kindness and the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

 

Submitting to one another

Submit to one another out of reverence fore Christ (Eph 5:21). Submitting to one another in the body also refers to the home. Submitting myself to my wife… with my body… my ideas… possible decisions… my direction in life and ministry… etc. 

A good leader will always consult his staff and receive feedback from them so as to look at all aspects of a problem or decision. When he/she has looked at it overall a better decision can be made.

 

Submitting to husbands

Eph 5:22 (following) is a difficult passage in the church today. In the west it seems as though we have become so super-sensitive that we have gone to the extreme of not wanting to take leadership of our homes. Some do not want to teach this controversial passage, perhaps out of fear of the feminist movement that has struck our society. IN MANY CASES WE HAVE ABDICATED OR DEFAULTED IN OUR GOD ORDAINED ROLE AS MEN!

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands…IN EVERYTHING." (Eph 5:22).

What this does NOT mean
(Rightly dividing the word of truth)... Physical/Emotional/Spiritual ABUSE. Drunkenness, Drugs, Violence, Rage, Perverted Sex, cheating on income taxes, going against God’s word. Forcing yourself on another.

How it can work
Take the example of a large purchase. What if after the husband and wife have consulted and discussed the appropriateness of the purchase the husband says "no"? The wife would not stand on firm ground with the Lord if she then went around her husband and bought the item anyway... or even "punished" her husband by getting even with him with some other purchase that may get hidden in the closet for a while.

Rather let's put this into its proper biblical context...

"Wives submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." (Col 3:19-19)

"Likewise, teach older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the word of God." (Titus 2:3).

Ladies
If you are wanting to see that leadership, protection, courtesy, etc from your husband - you can have a tremendous influence on him. You can do much to enable your husband to become the very man that you are desiring. It's like a good co-pilot advising his captain. You can make the captain look good, or you can undermine him, slander him, reject him, be uncooperative, and you can try to take command of the ship with a strong controlling or domineering personality.

Give your men a chance where they have fallen short and are trying to make good. Allow them to lead. Don't make it tough for your husband to lead you. Follow him... as long as he is not unbiblical. Rather pick up on the Scriptures... "let's see what God's word says for us to do".

Please hear this...
A good co-pilot will do anything he has to in order to keep the captain from smashing the airplane. In the case of emergency where the captain may be blind to the dangers around him - it may take good clear but kind assertion on the part of the co-pilot to get the aircraft back on course and heading in the right direction. A good captain will be grateful for the input. However, a panicky co-pilot who is always trying to take control, and cannot see any other way through a situation but his own, will undermine and become a danger to the flight.

Men... we have to give our wives something to submit to!
Even though God gives us this positional authority we have to exercise this in the fear of the Lord - in the Spirit of Christ. 

This admonition is for Indians, Americans, Chinese, Africans - every man.

When we face the Lord... and we will... he will not accept an answer such as: "well this is the way we did it in our tribe, or our nation, our family etc. He will hold us accountable to His Word. 

If we leave our wives with a vacuum of passivity... they will fill it out of fear. 

"Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Eph 5:25).

Note - Just as means to the same degree, the same extent ~ even loving back across rejection and suffering! (- ed).

In essence God is saying...

Women submit to your husbands
and Husbands die for your wives!

When relationships are in sin (because of either husband or wife) - and when the wife begins to take charge… it becomes a form of judgment. "Youths oppress my people… women rule over them." (Is 3:12).

 In all of this description it takes us back to the Lord in His words in the Isaiah passage where He says that the Lord as husband is your maker. In an emulative way, we are to be that to our wives... "makers"... acting in such a way as to redeem the times.

We men are to lead our wives and pray the Word over her. We want to present our wives to ourselves, radiant without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. That's what the Lord is saying when He says "In this same way husbands ought to..." (Eph 5: 28).

Husbands... LOVE your wives!

Love is patient, kind, envies no one, is never boastful, is not conceited, is not rude or selfish. love does not take offence. It keeps no score of wrong, does not gloat over other men's wrongs. Love perseveres (1 Cor 13).

One more thing - love does not take - love gives

When something is not going well in the relationship or one partner wants something that the other is not willing to give (for whatever reason), it is not for us to take.

For example in the sexual area if a woman does not give her body to her husband (does not want to… can’t… doesn’t feel well… whatever) ~ it is not for the man to take.

Likewise… if a wife thinks that something should be done around the house (buy a new couch… designate a room for a certain kind of use… give a large sum of money to a charity etc) - and her husband baulks for some reason, then it is not for the wife to take by demanding and implementing her own way!

Your idea… which you might be "sure" is God’s idea needs to be tested - is it loving and giving in nature? Love GIVES and LOVE RECEIVES… but love doesn’t demand it's own way.

Conclusion 

I am a long way from what I have described above. In some ways it is hypocritical to teach how to live, when I myself am struggling in these areas. Nevertheless may these biblical exhortations lead us to the higher calling of Christ - as we work them out in our divinely placed partnership.

Gary and Helen Kosak
GKosak@aol.com